REWRITING ICARUS

Here is what they don’t tell you: Icarus laughed as he fell. Threw his head back and yelled into the winds, arms spread wide, teeth bared to the world. (There is a bitter triumph in crashing when you should be soaring.) The wax scorched his skin, ran blazing trails down his back, his thighs, his ankles, his feet. Feathers floated like prayers past his fingers, close enough to snatch back. Death breathed burning kisses against his shoulders, where the wings joined the harness. The sun painted everything in shades of gold. (There is a certain beauty in setting the world on fire and watching from the centre of the flames.) —Fiona

This is melancholic and feels too close to home. I feel like Icarus. I flew too close to the sun. The belief that I had since I was a kid is gone. I lost the blanket that would warm me in troubled times. When I was in trouble of any kind, I used to recite

“La Illaha Illa Anta Subhanaka Innii Kuntu Minaz Zalimin”

The Arabic phrase, "La ilaha illa anta subhanaka inni kuntu minaz zalimin," translates to "There is no deity except You; exalted are You. Indeed, I have been of the wrongdoers". This prayer was recited by Prophet Yunus (Jonah) while in the darkness of a whale's belly, and it signifies a declaration of Tawhid (Allah's oneness), praises Allah's perfection, and acknowledges the reciter's own shortcomings, seeking forgiveness and mercy in times of distress.

It used to soothe me, it used to calm me down. Now, I do not have that. Now, anytime I’m in trouble, I have no words to comfort me. It feels like I've lost my warm blanket of faith, even though it was blind; it used to be a white stick that would help me navigate the dark, even though it wasn't leading me anywhere meaningful. But I can no longer depend on my wing. Because like Icarus' wings, it was fake. It had to melt with the truth that is the sun. I can no longer depend on something that I know is false in my heart.

I’m falling from the heaven that was never there. All 18 years of my life, my belief was wrong. I chose to worship a deity that was never there. This does not give me any comfort. I’m falling into a sea of darkness, which is cold, and a pit of despair. But it's the truth.

Islam is a great religion, and the Kuran is still a great novel. But it’s not my north star. The afterlife does not exist, and I have to make do with that. Sometimes, the truth hurts more than the lie.

I do not find any solace in losing my faith. But it’s the truth. I sometimes wonder if religion is necessary. And I do think it is. The horrible comments that I'm getting on my blog are a testament to that. Some people have no moral compass, and religion is holding the thread of society in a lot of muslim countries.

Imagine if all of a sudden people stopped believing, rape, murder, and every other crime would skyrocket. These people are only doing certain things because they fear punishment after death.

So, one might say religion is a necessary evil. But evil, regardless.

But I’m happy. Even though I have no compass to guide me, I am still a good person. I have not and will not ever do any harm or cheat, even though no rules are stopping me. And that is quite powerful. I can trust my own judgement, and I have not lost my moral sense of compass. This is what being human is all about.